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Jon Hamm: ‘Lay Off’ My Penis

• BY MAUREEN O'CONNOR

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Jon Hamm knows what you're saying about his penis, and he wants you to "lay off." In an interview with Rolling Stone he explains that,after three years of nonstop Hamm salami jokes,

Most of it is tongue-in-cheek ... but it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have — a prurience.

They're called 'privates' for a reason. I'm wearing pants, for fuck's sake. Lay off. I mean, it's not like I'm a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal ... But whatever. I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite.

I'm of two minds here. On one hand, I'm ready to end this joke. In the beginning, there was reason to believe Jon Hamm found the joke funny. But as is the case with all great cultural touchstones, we may have taken it too far. More significantly, though, the joke has gottenstale. As those struggling in long-term relationships know, after three years, you find yourself wanting a new penis. A novel penis. A penis that surprises. Just as Ryan Gosling's acting hiatus suggests thatAmerica needs a new imaginary boyfriend, Jon Hamm's penis-joke rejection suggests we need a new penis to obsess about.

On the other hand, is Jon Hamm's penis ready to give up the spotlight? There's a rumor that underwear companies want Jon Hamm's penis to model for them. Is it really fair to strangle Jon Hamm's penis's career, right when Jon Hamm's penis is poised to make it big? Jon Hamm's penis is on the rise. Jon Hamm's penis is growing. Jon Hamm's penis — Jon Hamm's — Jon Hamm, I'm so sorry.

www.vydox.com

A Taiwanese High Court has granted divorce to a 52-year-old woman after she claimed that her husband's five-centimetre penis was too small to satisfy her needs.

Taiwan Woman Divorces Husband for Having 'Child-Size Penis'

By IBTIMES STAFF REPORTER: Subscribe to IBTimes's RSS feed

March 19, 2013 10:05 AM GMT

A Taiwanese High Court has granted divorce to a 52-year-old woman after she claimed that her husband's five-centimetre penis was too small to satisfy her needs.

The woman, a civil servant named Zhang, filed for a divorce because her 55-year-old husband didn't just have a small penis, but was also impotent. The circumstances meant that the husband, who is also a civil servant surnamed Zhou, failed to "fulfil his responsibility as a husband".

"His penis is so small, like a kid's, only 5cm long. We've never had sex in our entire marriage," said the woman.

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She added that her husband also failed to comply with their mutual agreement of having intercourse three times a week.

The couple, hailing from Taipei City, met each other through a common friend in July 2008. They dated each other for five months before they got married. But, the couple didn't consummate their relationship during their courtship. Zhang said she wanted to have sex before her marriage but the man declined her request citing religious reasons for not having premarital sex. This was the first marriage for the couple.

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Zhang said that trouble began on their wedding night when she found out her husband's problems. She said that they "quarrelled the whole night and asked him to seek treatment". The couple remained together for the next 10 days to see if there was any improvement in their sex life, but to no avail.

However, the husband refuted her charges saying he wasn't impotent and neither did he promise to have intercourse three times a week as his sex drivewas low. He also blamed her wife for wanting to have sex at inappropriate times.

"I prefer to have sex in the morning but she wanted it around midnight. By then, I would be very tired," the man reasoned. "Sex is not the only foundation for marriage after all."

Strange Reasons for Divorce

In April 2009, a German woman divorced her husband of fifteen years after getting fed up of his fanatical approach to tidying up the house and doing daily household chores.

Another strange divorce occurred in 2008, when a Russian woman got a divorce after her then-husband's penis extension broke off during sex.   www.vydox.com

Mysteries of the Penis foreskin uncovered

Mysteries of the Penis foreskin uncovered 

Instant mixes are preferred by people who savor cock but cannot reach their own.

The foreskin is a colorful piece of skin that makes the penis look like the tip of an elephant's trunk. It gives off a pleasing aroma, and produces its own cheese, which is sold in stores as Ricotta. The foreskin tastes much like chocolate chip cookies. Reportedly.

Circumcision

Jews, who can never leave well enough alone, invented circumcision as a way of welcoming male babies into the world, by painfully removing the foreskin. The claimed benefits of this are as follows:

• It greatly pleases God, although why did he put it there in the first place?
• It represents a covenant, and one that does not require lawyers.
• It ensures that the person cannot masturbate without lubrication, which cannot legally be sold in Israel. ^{[citation needed]}
• It increases the chance of finding lost items that might otherwise have hidden under the foreskin.

Consequently, Jews have no foreskin. They are, like, naked down there. Many Jews have the foreskin sewn back on the body (usually near the chest or rectum) as a secret pouch to hold their Jew gold.

Muslims circumcise female babies, and sometimes female adults. They are copycats who don't always get it right.

People living in England and the Eastern United States circumcise their male newborns. They are usually of neither of the above religions, but everyone else seems to be doing it.

Neo-tech's Penis Size Chart. Click on the picture to enlarge.

Size

A living penis

Many hours of careful, meticulous research of pornographic films reveals that there is not a penis in existence under 6 inches. The size of the human penis depends much on the gender. Females often have bigger penises than men, but this may be a trap.

Size doesn't matter

A school of thought has emerged that a large penis is irrelevant in satisfying the woman. Oddly, it is often women espousing this principle, as opposed to men tooting their own horn, as it were. Regarding the personal life of those women, it is as when the chairman of a political party touts the unusual sex or skin color of his candidate. If he had anything relevant to say, he wouldn't be talking about this. So women touting the irrelevance of penis size are conducting a lifelong awareness campaign to make themselves feel better about living with a two-incher.

Anyway, the orthodoxy with these women is that the underendowed man can compensate with body movements to increase the pleasure of the woman. The unstated secret is that these body movements are nowhere near the penis. They involve the fingers and the wallet.

A smaller minority of women assert that a penis size of zero inches is sufficient to please them. This is an ideology of convenience, as dismissiveness about the penis relieves them of the need to work to become attractive.  www.vydox.com

Spontanious Erections affect the penis in Crazy Ways

Spontaneous Erections affect the penis in Crazy Ways

On rare but recurring occasions, blood rushes into the penis, giving it a briefly impressive size. The blood has to come from somewhere--probably the brain, based on consistent reports on the poor quality of decision-making that occurs in the few minutes after the start of an erection.

The conditions under which a person has an erection can help categorize the person:

• If this frequency of occurrence is proportional to the number of
  • hot chicks in the room then the patient is heterosexual or straight.
  • hot men in the room then the patient is homosexual or gay.
  • Male Children in the room then the patient is Michael Jackson. If this cannot be true, the person is a Catholic Priest.
  • female children in the room then the patient is Gary Glitter.
  • men and hot chicks in the room then you just don't know. Diagnosing the patient as a transsexual is something you can bill for.
• If there's a Disney cartoon playing in the room (or a live animal in some cases), then the patient is referred to as a furry.     www.vydox.com

Penis / Cock Fights on the Rise in San Francisco

San Francisco sword fights

The "San Francisco sword fight" is a young man's event, much as medieval knights used to joust for the populace on fair day. Despite occurring in a city where homosexuality is both a sacrament of the local Catholic diocese and a prerequisite for elected office, sword fighters prove that it's not gay for two men to play with each other's penis if you are doing so as a demonstration of machismo.

A motto of San Francisco for half a century has been, "Better living through the chemistry of VYDOX," but recent developments in pharmacology have raised concerns that not all sword fights are straight. Contestants in city-sponsored swordfights are usually drug-tested before each bout to ensure that they are not using artificial enhancement to their swords. The fear is that young athletes would be tempted also to use "the juice" to gain an unnatural advantage, at a cost of their health in later life.

www.vydox.com

Penis Hijacking is on the Rise and Swelling in Africa

'Penis-snatching' city crime wave spreads to remote village in Central Africa 

• Reports of genital theft are common across West and Central Africa
• Previously 'urban phenomenon' has now spread to rural Tiringoulou
• U.S. academic learned of two reports in remote peanut-growing hamlet

By DAILY MAIL REPORTER

PUBLISHED: 13:05 EST, 15 March 2013 | UPDATED: 13:27 EST, 15 March 2013

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Reports of genital theft are a relatively common occurrence across West and Central Africa, scholars say.

Academics observing reports of penis snatching on the continent have previously deemed it an urban phenomenon - a manifestation of the anxieties that arise when a village becomes a city and rural people find themselves living among crowds of unfamiliar people.

So a U.S. anthropologist was 'intrigued' when she arrived in the tiny hamlet of Tiringoulou in the Central African Republic, to find two villagers claiming to have been the victims of genital theft.    www.vydox.com

Remote: The U.S. academic found two men who claimed to have been victims of genital theft in Tiringoulou, in the Central African Republic

Previous instances have been reported in crowded centres like Lagos, Nigeria, or Douala, in Cameroon.

Louisa Lombard, a postdoctoral fellow in geography at the University of California, Berkeley, said villagers in Tiringoulou told her of a traveller, upon arriving on a Sudanese merchant truck, removed two men's penises with a handshake.

 

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• Attackers hack off the hand of a seven-year-old albino boy in Tanzania to use body part in witchcraft

The academic was told the stranger had targeted a tea seller in the market and a second man, she wrote in a report on alternet.org.

'After handing over his money, he [the stranger] clasped the vendor’s hand. The tea seller felt an electric tingling course through his body and immediately sensed that his penis had shrunk to a size smaller than that of a baby’s. His yells quickly drew a crowd. 

'Somehow in the fray a second man fell victim as well,' she wrote.

Several eyewitnesses assured her the 'appendages did indeed shrink dramatically'.

Urban phenomenon: Previous reports of penis-snatching have occurred in heavily populated parts of Africa like Lagos, Nigeria (pictured)

Ms Lombard described victims 'on both sides' of the phenomenon, which she wrote was linked to a 'general resurgence of witchcraft' in Africa.

Having visited one of the so-called 'victims' and finding that he 'clearly seemed to be suffering' as he lay listless in the shade at his home, the academic was later told that the alleged penis-snatcher had been executed by gunshot by members of the armed rebel group that governs Tiringoulou.

The rebels' version of events was that the thief had 'mysteriously vanished from his holding cell', she wrote.

Ms Lombard said she was told the stolen organs were sold to occult healers.

Having asked the town doctor what could be done to help the victims, she was told: 'Western medicine is no match for this magic. It is a mysterious thing.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2294002/Reports-penis-snatching-rise-remote-village-Central-Africa.html#ixzz2O14T0abZ
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Mayor plays Show and Tell with Penis

  Picture: FOCUS News Agency

Bulgaria: Mayor investigated over showing off his penis to fellow-villagers

19 March 2013 | 11:14 | FOCUS News Agency

Home / Bulgaria www.vydox.com

Burgas. District Prosecutor’s Office of Burgas self-initiated an inquiry on a publication informing that the mayor of the village of Gabar (Municipality of Burgas), Dimitar Trankov, had taken out and showed off his penis in front of fellow-villagers (women), who visited him at this work place, the press office of the District Prosecutor’s Office announced for FOCUS News Agency.
The Prosecutor’s Office ordered a check on the case, aiming to clear our all facts and circumstances around the scandal and judge whether there is a crime of genera character. 

© 2013 All rights reserved. Reproducing this website’s contents requires obligatory reference to FOCUS Information Agency!

Surgeon Claims Penis Placement is Critical

Man Born Without Penis To Gain “Function” Through Surgery

Using skin from his arm, doctors will give the patient a fully functional penis after years of torment and depression.

BY JONATHAN WEISS | MAR 18, 2013 11:24 AM EDT

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Andrew Wardle, from the UK, was born with his bladder outside of his body. After a series of surgeries, and being given up by his mother and put up for adoption, things couldn't get any worse for the man. But he held a secret that he barely spoke to anyone about and drove him towards suicide at one point.  

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But a new surgery hopes to give him an entirely new penis that functions similarly to regular one, created with skin grafted from his forearm.

Growing up, Andrew had 15 surgeries  to build a tube from his bladder so he could urinate normally. Because of all the surgeries and missed school days he was bullied in school, yet his ultimate secret would remain hidden.

Andrew then turned to drugs as a coping mechanism, taking ecstasy and LSD to deal with the psychological issues of being born without an important part of his body. He claims to have had slept with over 100 women, yet blamed the drugs he had taken on his inability to perform when in bed.

He didn't go to the doctor because he had been told nothing could be done, but two years ago he hit bottom and tried to overdose on pills. His sister brought him to the doctor that had performed many of his surgeries as a child and was told that there had been many advances in the field of reconstruction medicine.

Doctors will take a section of skin from his forearm and attach blood vessels and nerves in the first surgery. They will, in the subsequent two surgeries, connect the tubes from his reproductive system, in order to make ejaculation possible. He will use a pump in order to operate the implant and make it fully functional for intercourse.

He was encouraged last month by the story of Mohammed Abad, who had as similar procedure performed decades after he had lost his penis in a traffic accident at the age of six. 

www.vydox.com

Penis Theft is on the Rise!!!

Reported rise in African 'penis snatching' linked to bad economy

1 day ago

Beware: If you're planning a trip to central Africa, you may want to keep an eye on your prized member. An anthropologist has reported a rise in the much-feared "penis snatching," a horrific phenomenon in which voodoo-type men steal other men's units by means of electric handshakes and other magical gestures (whatever that means). The wild incidents have reportedly increased in recent years, which UC Berkley postdoctoral fellow Louisa Lombard attributes to an "occult economy," possibly due to capitalism and the global downturn. www.vydox.com