I recently received an e-mail from a woman named Lela Jenna, where she made fun of the size of my penis. Even though my penis has never met Ms. Jenna, she still had the audacity to write this:
From: Lela Janna
Sent: Monday, April 26 11:32 PM
Subject: Ur Diicky Is So Smaall chief vibratile freeloader
The world most--effecctive male enhance-ment pi11
Increase the length of your DICCKY by 2-5 full inches
Thicken ur DICCKY and make it much fuller & harder
CLICK HERE TO ORD.ER NOWW!
At first, I was hurt. "What's wrong with the size of my DICCKY?" I thought to myself. "No woman has ever made fun of my length, nor my girth."
"At least, not to your face," added my ruthlessly cruel self-esteem.
Just as few women are happy with their breasts, I think most guys are unhappy with their penises, which is why they beat them so often. And we wouldn't be receiving up to forty "penis enlargement" e-mails a day if there weren't so many guys buying these solutions. So I'm trying a little experiment: I'm going to start taking these penis pills, and report what happens.I spent an unbelievable amount of time scouring the Web for the best penis enlargement product. This was a difficult task, because every penis enlargement product is "the best." Every single product is also "guaranteed," and offers "permanent results." I had to look at many disgusting photos -- such as this one, which is guaranteed to make every man wince:
After a few hours of browsing these sites, I have the impression that we are a nation of men with microscopic organs that can only be located with the aid of powerful electron microscopes. The average penis size, I found out, is between 5.5 and 6 inches -- but apparently women want lovers who need to drape their penises over a hook at night, lest they get all tangled up in their penis as they sleep.
"How long do you continue to take VIMAX PILLS?" asks the Web site for Vimax, one of the 25,000 penis pills on the market. The surprising answer: "Our recommendation is when you get to 8 inches stop taking VIMAX PILLS but the choice is up to you." But what if you don't stop at 8 inches? I could just imagine my penis growing to 44 or 45 inches in size, long enough to get the leaves out of my gutters in the springtime. That would be awesome.
But wait, there's more! In addition to "mind-blowing orgasms" and "improved sexual stamina," some pills can also "triple the amount of semen you produce." This is from prosolutionspills.com, which promises, "it will flow out all over your girlfriend drowning her in your semen. The power of your ejaculation will improve so when your orgasm is 'shoots out'." That's a direct quote. I think that all of us want improve so when our orgasm is "shoots out." I know I do.
But I needed a real guarantee. I didn't want gains of "up to" "3+ inches," in "as little as" "several weeks," I wanted a hard and fast claim, if you'll pardon the expression. Either the penis pills delivered, or they didn't. Finally, while doing a Google search for "penis enlargement" (which currently returns 1.3 million results -- try it yourself), I found this sponsored link:
Bingo! I will either gain 2 inches, 3 inches, or 5 inches within 60 days. It's guaranteed. I can't lose.
I can't wait until this stuff arrives. Just think of the look on Lela Jenna's face, when I've packed on an additional 2, 3, or even 5 inches.
I'm telling you, the woman never should have made fun of my DICCKY.
Did I really need a longer penis? I was faithful to my wife, after all, and she hadn't complained so far. But then my terrible self-esteem started to nag at me, and I had to get out a ruler ... just in case. I had to figure out where I stood on the bell curve of penises (which, to be really accurate, would need to be curved slightly upward).
So: what is the average penis size? The famous Kinsey Sex Report, considered by many to be the authority on such matters, says the average Snausage "is between 5 and 7 inches when erect." A more recent study by Lifestyles Condom Company, who I figure have seen more penises than the Kinsey people, puts the average at 5.877 inches. They obtained this figure by sending a team of nurses to Cancun during spring break, and having them measure the erections of hundreds of partying college students (sadly, I'm not making this up).
But what about width? In 2001, the University of Texas Pan-American put out a research paper entitled "Penis Size: Survey of female perceptions of sexual satisfaction." They surveyed 50 sexually active female undergraduates (making it the sexiest research paper ever) on whether length or width was more important to sexual satisfaction. My favorite line of the article is, "None reported they did not know," making me sad that I did not go to the University of Texas Pan-American. A surprising 90% (or 45 out of the 50 coed sluts interviewed) reported that width is more important.
So maybe the ultimate penis shape, I thought, is a tuna can: one inch long and five inches wide. Somehow I don't think so. You never hear women moaning, "Oh, give it to me wide. Give me several inches more in diameter."
It turns out that you measure width by going around your penis. I discovered that this is difficult, unless you have one of those cloth tape measures that dressmakers use -- but if you own one of those things, you're probably not the kind of guy worrying about his penis size. At any rate, I tried to use my Craftsman tape measure, because I thought some of its testosterone would rub off on me. Unfortunately, I lost my grip on it and the tape measure snapped shut, seizing a patch of sensitive skin in its iron jaws.
After I finished screaming, I finally ended up using an ordinary ruler, and here are my measurements:
Length: 5.875 inches
Width: 4.125 inches
Do you see why I need these penis pills? I am .002 inches smaller than the national average, which is humiliating. Curse my parents and their recessive penis gene!
On the bright side, I found an easy way to gain an extra half-inch: simply push the ruler into your abdomen. Using this trick, I am now over six inches, or well above the average penis length.
But let's be honest. I'm one foreskin shy of the national average. I was kind of bummed out about this, until I saw a picture of Michelangelo's "David" on one of the penis enlargement Web sites. After all, David is the idealized male figure. You don't get more perfect than Dave. I spent several minutes today examining myself in a mirror next to a picture of David. I estimated that, if David were normal human size, his flaccid penis would be approximately 2.5 inches long. I RULE! My flaccid penis is bigger than David's! YOU MAY BE IDEAL, BUT I'M PACKING MORE VEAL!
I will admit he has better abs.
So: what is the average penis size? The famous Kinsey Sex Report, considered by many to be the authority on such matters, says the average Snausage "is between 5 and 7 inches when erect." A more recent study by Lifestyles Condom Company, who I figure have seen more penises than the Kinsey people, puts the average at 5.877 inches. They obtained this figure by sending a team of nurses to Cancun during spring break, and having them measure the erections of hundreds of partying college students (sadly, I'm not making this up).
But what about width? In 2001, the University of Texas Pan-American put out a research paper entitled "Penis Size: Survey of female perceptions of sexual satisfaction." They surveyed 50 sexually active female undergraduates (making it the sexiest research paper ever) on whether length or width was more important to sexual satisfaction. My favorite line of the article is, "None reported they did not know," making me sad that I did not go to the University of Texas Pan-American. A surprising 90% (or 45 out of the 50 coed sluts interviewed) reported that width is more important.
So maybe the ultimate penis shape, I thought, is a tuna can: one inch long and five inches wide. Somehow I don't think so. You never hear women moaning, "Oh, give it to me wide. Give me several inches more in diameter."
It turns out that you measure width by going around your penis. I discovered that this is difficult, unless you have one of those cloth tape measures that dressmakers use -- but if you own one of those things, you're probably not the kind of guy worrying about his penis size. At any rate, I tried to use my Craftsman tape measure, because I thought some of its testosterone would rub off on me. Unfortunately, I lost my grip on it and the tape measure snapped shut, seizing a patch of sensitive skin in its iron jaws.After I finished screaming, I finally ended up using an ordinary ruler, and here are my measurements:
Length: 5.875 inches
Width: 4.125 inches
Do you see why I need these penis pills? I am .002 inches smaller than the national average, which is humiliating. Curse my parents and their recessive penis gene!
On the bright side, I found an easy way to gain an extra half-inch: simply push the ruler into your abdomen. Using this trick, I am now over six inches, or well above the average penis length.But let's be honest. I'm one foreskin shy of the national average. I was kind of bummed out about this, until I saw a picture of Michelangelo's "David" on one of the penis enlargement Web sites. After all, David is the idealized male figure. You don't get more perfect than Dave. I spent several minutes today examining myself in a mirror next to a picture of David. I estimated that, if David were normal human size, his flaccid penis would be approximately 2.5 inches long. I RULE! My flaccid penis is bigger than David's! YOU MAY BE IDEAL, BUT I'M PACKING MORE VEAL!
I will admit he has better abs.
As soon as my penis pills arrived in the mail, I opened the bottle to find that the safety seal was broken. I thought this was kind of gross. I mean, if you're going to sell a non-regulated, quasi-legal medication, the least you can do is glue down the safety seal. On the other hand, it did give an element of added danger to the experiment. I dumped out my Magna-RX pills on the counter, inspecting them carefully for used hypodermic needles, or anthrax.
Then I started to get nervous. A lethal dose of penis pills would be one of the worst ways to die, because you know they would have to mention it in the obituary. It would be like a game of retarded Clue: "Hargrave the Humorist, in the Library, with the penis pills!"
Fearfully, I checked the ingredients label to see just what I would be eating over the next 60 days.
"Horny goat weed" was near the top of the list. "Horny" and "weed" don't bother me, but "goat"? Could we find a more sexy animal? (I've always been partial to monkeys.) I did a little research into goat sexuality, and discovered several Web sites that I will hopefully one day be able to forget with the aid of costly hypnosis. After I scrubbed my eyes with Ajax, I eventually discovered this diagram of the average goat penis:
AHHHHH! What the hell is that long thing? Is it a tongue? Will my penis grow a tongue? I was pretty weirded out by this drawing, but gradually the idea grew on me (no pun intended). Sure, it looks disturbing, but there's no doubt that a goat penis would be infinitely more pleasureable for her. Check that thing out! In fact, I can't believe that more ladies aren't getting it on with goats. Apart from the bleating, the smell, and the chewing of tin cans, I'll bet goats would make excellent lovers.
But the most disturbing thing was yet to come. There were several enclosures with the penis pills, including a sheet of instructions. Imagine my shock and horror when I read instruction #3:
First, if tugging your penis for five minutes a day really worked, then I think every man on the planet would be the size of a military flagpole. Teenagers, especially, would be able to jump rope with their own penises.
Second: they never said I would have to tug my penis for five minutes a day. This is more time than I was planning on spending on my penis. Can't I hire someone to do this for me? I asked my wife if I could delegate this task, but she wasn't wild about that idea. And unfortunately my vacuum cleaner is broken.
So this morning, I gathered up my courage. I popped my first non-FDA-approved penis pill, and spent five minutes in the shower doing my "exercise." And I have to say, it's the first exercise I've ever done that ended in orgasm. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.
First of all, the penis enlargement pills smell weird, like a combination of old man's vest and Rosie O'Donnell's workout bra. But more disturbing, my urine has started to take on this same smell, especially in the morning. It's a little bit nasty, but I continue to press on in the name of science. You never heard Marie Curie complaining about getting poisoned by massive exposure to radiation, at least until she was about to die. Then she bitched non-stop.
Second, you have to do this ridiculous "exercise regimen," which basically involves holding your penis out for five minutes. It's not as fun as it sounds. Now, if I could hire a personal trainer -- preferably from the U.S. Women's Olympic Volleyball Team -- then the exercise would not be quite so boring. I have better things to do with those five minutes, such as sleeping, but I continue to follow the prescribed regimen. I have learned to save time by stretching my penis while shaving, or while on the poo-pot.
Third, and possibly most disturbing, is that I have become increasingly sexed-up. I noted in my last update that the penis pills contain an ingredient called "horny goat weed," and I think I have fallen under its spell of horniness. Several nights ago, for instance, I had a dream in which my grandmother was performing oral sex on me. Considering that my grandmother has been dead for nearly eight years, I think you'll agree that this is pretty disgusting. I mean, why couldn't it have been my maternal grandmother? She's hot.
Some of you men are now thinking, "I should get my woman to take this!" First of all, how are you going to convince her to take this thing for a week? I mean, you could tell her it was a multivitamin, but that would be dishonest. And with that nasty-ass rank, she's not going to buy that it's a Flintstone's Chewable, even if you chisel it into the shape of Wilma and paint it blue.
Also, do you really want to give your woman a penis pill? I mean, just on the off-chance that these do work, I wouldn't want my wife sporting a wiener. Although I'll probably have a dream about that tonight.
So, here are my current measurements:
Original length: 5.875 inches
Original width: 4.125 inches
Current length: 5.875 inches
Current width: 4.875 inches
Length increase: 0%
Width increase: 18%
So, what do you know? I haven't grown longer, but I've grown wider. Just like Marlon Brando. In fact, I'm going to start referring to him as "Li'l Brando." Li'l Brando, and his two sons, Sonny and Fredo.
Look out ladies. I am going to be the widest man on the planet. I'll be like a chunk of deli salami.
My previous measurement showed that I had not added any length, but I had gained width, which made me wonder if I'd soon resemble a tree stump, which would give new meaning to the term "sporting wood." To get a second opinion, I asked my wife whether she had noticed any difference. "I think so," she said, wincing slightly. The wince was not terribly encouraging. A jaw hitting the floor, one or more eyes popping out of the head, or the curling of toes are generally better non-verbal cues when discussing penis size.
But one thing all these penis enhancement Web sites talk about is feeling more self-confident "in the locker room," and on that point they're right. I now make it a point to unspool the garden hose whenever I go to the gym. I'm that guy, the one who stands naked on the scale for up to fifteen minutes at a time. Sometimes I will sneak up behind someone seated on a bench, whip it out, and thwack! On the head, like a boomerang. They never know what hit them. It's like being bludgeoned by a ham.
For demonstrative purposes, I have cut a piece of kielbasa into roughly my own length and width:
Imagine getting whacked on the head with that hunka meat! WHOCK! If it gets long enough, I can do some martial arts with it, like a soft, heavy pair of nunchucks.
But have I really grown? Last night, it was time for my three-week measurement, and here are the hard facts:
Previous length: 5.875 inches
Previous width: 4.875 inches
Current length: 5.75 inches
Current width: 4.75 inches
Length decrease: 2%
Width decrease: 2%
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'M SHRINKING! THESE PENIS PILLS ARE MAKING ME LOSE MY LENGTH, MY GIRTH! AAACCCHHH DU LIEBER! Sure, it's only 2% now, but in another month I could be the size of a cocktail mushroom! It could look like a little turtle poking its head out the shell!
Any male whose brain was not hopped up on horny goat weed would stop the penis pills at once -- but I am determined to press on, in the name of science. Even if I end up shriveling to the size of a finger quiche, I will continue the 60-day treatment.
And frankly, I'm not worried. You know why? Because recently, I was in the produce aisle of my local supermarket, when I spied the piece of ginger root pictured at right. Check it out! That's not ginger, that's GING-HER!
I see my piece of well-hung ginger as an omen, a portent of things to, ah, come. Look: I've read about those people who see the Virgin Mary in a potato chip, but this is a different story altogether. That is a rootshaped like a root. This is a cosmic blessing on my penis.
Even though my wife just rolled her eyes when she saw the ginger (still better than a wince), I will continue taking my penis pills. Soon I will grow to a massive size, and thenshe'll get the ginger. Oh yes. I will ging her long and hard.
Next: Week 7 results!
Week 7 results
But one thing all these penis enhancement Web sites talk about is feeling more self-confident "in the locker room," and on that point they're right. I now make it a point to unspool the garden hose whenever I go to the gym. I'm that guy, the one who stands naked on the scale for up to fifteen minutes at a time. Sometimes I will sneak up behind someone seated on a bench, whip it out, and thwack! On the head, like a boomerang. They never know what hit them. It's like being bludgeoned by a ham.
For demonstrative purposes, I have cut a piece of kielbasa into roughly my own length and width:
Imagine getting whacked on the head with that hunka meat! WHOCK! If it gets long enough, I can do some martial arts with it, like a soft, heavy pair of nunchucks.
But have I really grown? Last night, it was time for my three-week measurement, and here are the hard facts:
Previous length: 5.875 inches
Previous width: 4.875 inches
Current length: 5.75 inches
Current width: 4.75 inches
Length decrease: 2%
Width decrease: 2%
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'M SHRINKING! THESE PENIS PILLS ARE MAKING ME LOSE MY LENGTH, MY GIRTH! AAACCCHHH DU LIEBER! Sure, it's only 2% now, but in another month I could be the size of a cocktail mushroom! It could look like a little turtle poking its head out the shell!
Any male whose brain was not hopped up on horny goat weed would stop the penis pills at once -- but I am determined to press on, in the name of science. Even if I end up shriveling to the size of a finger quiche, I will continue the 60-day treatment.
And frankly, I'm not worried. You know why? Because recently, I was in the produce aisle of my local supermarket, when I spied the piece of ginger root pictured at right. Check it out! That's not ginger, that's GING-HER!I see my piece of well-hung ginger as an omen, a portent of things to, ah, come. Look: I've read about those people who see the Virgin Mary in a potato chip, but this is a different story altogether. That is a rootshaped like a root. This is a cosmic blessing on my penis.
Even though my wife just rolled her eyes when she saw the ginger (still better than a wince), I will continue taking my penis pills. Soon I will grow to a massive size, and thenshe'll get the ginger. Oh yes. I will ging her long and hard.
I have been receiving daily e-mails from ZUG readers asking about the status of my penis. I haven't had this much interest in my penis since I became an altar boy in fifth grade.
Believe me, though, nobody is more interested in my penis than I am. Except possibly my testicles. Those guys are attached at the vas deferens, I swear. But what worried me was that last time I measured, a few weeks ago, my penis was actually shrinking, and not just because it was under the scrutiny of millions of ZUG readers. So I was rather nervous to whip out my ruler ... worried that it would be the only thing I would be whipping out, as my shrunken penis would resemble an earthworm wearing a ski hat.
Now, I've seen a lot of penises over the last few months, and not just at the zoo. In researching this experiment, I've had to scan the Web for hours, looking at hundreds of photos of misshapen, deformed penises. Although this is no different from my regular Internet habits, I prefer women in the photographs, usually obscuring the penis somehow.
For some reason, all these penis enlargement sites have a "before" and "after" photo of a penis that looks like it has been around the block once or twice ... while tied to a muffler. I mean, these things look like snakes that have swallowed a rabbit, or a small child. Somehow these frightening specimens of manhood are supposed to encourage you to buy their products.
Take, for instance, the penis pictured on the classy homepage of ProSolutionsPills.com(not work-safe). This is the first penis I've ever seen with a knuckle. Does the guy have to crack his penis before sex? Note the difference in size between the "Before" and "After" shots -- partially because the camera is 25% closer. I think the cameraman is the onlyperson getting closer to that horrifying member, which looks like it might be able to curl a small barbell.
The dozens of penises featured on the easily-remembered vig-rx-penis-enlargement-pills.com Web site come from our "Extremely Satisfied Cushatulkatans." This proves that these are actually alien penises, photographed by residents of the planet Cushatulka. My favorite part is the disclaimer at the bottom, explaining how Cushatulkatans should send in a picture:
And speaking of freaky alien penises, check out this guy. If you ask me, that's somebody who took one pill too many.
Anyway, here are the latest measurements:
Original length: 5.875 inches
Original width: 4.125 inches
Current length: 6.0 inches
Current width: 5.25 inches
Length increase: 2%
Width increase: 27%
Sweet Mother of God! I am not shrinking -- in fact, I'm growing ever wider. I'm like a turnip, or an overgrown radish. I always thought the phrase "pink torpedo" was just a euphemism, not a literal description of the shape.
So as not to gross you out with even more pictures of penises, I thought I'd make a scale replica of my own out of the kielbasa that I used in my last update -- only this time, in order to illustrate my added girth, I wrapped several slices of bacon around the sausage:
I think you'll agree, it's still more attractive than those other pictures above. And you can throw it on the grill, which is a bonus.
Next: Do they really work?
Final results
Believe me, though, nobody is more interested in my penis than I am. Except possibly my testicles. Those guys are attached at the vas deferens, I swear. But what worried me was that last time I measured, a few weeks ago, my penis was actually shrinking, and not just because it was under the scrutiny of millions of ZUG readers. So I was rather nervous to whip out my ruler ... worried that it would be the only thing I would be whipping out, as my shrunken penis would resemble an earthworm wearing a ski hat.
Now, I've seen a lot of penises over the last few months, and not just at the zoo. In researching this experiment, I've had to scan the Web for hours, looking at hundreds of photos of misshapen, deformed penises. Although this is no different from my regular Internet habits, I prefer women in the photographs, usually obscuring the penis somehow.
For some reason, all these penis enlargement sites have a "before" and "after" photo of a penis that looks like it has been around the block once or twice ... while tied to a muffler. I mean, these things look like snakes that have swallowed a rabbit, or a small child. Somehow these frightening specimens of manhood are supposed to encourage you to buy their products.
Take, for instance, the penis pictured on the classy homepage of ProSolutionsPills.com(not work-safe). This is the first penis I've ever seen with a knuckle. Does the guy have to crack his penis before sex? Note the difference in size between the "Before" and "After" shots -- partially because the camera is 25% closer. I think the cameraman is the onlyperson getting closer to that horrifying member, which looks like it might be able to curl a small barbell.
The dozens of penises featured on the easily-remembered vig-rx-penis-enlargement-pills.com Web site come from our "Extremely Satisfied Cushatulkatans." This proves that these are actually alien penises, photographed by residents of the planet Cushatulka. My favorite part is the disclaimer at the bottom, explaining how Cushatulkatans should send in a picture:
And speaking of freaky alien penises, check out this guy. If you ask me, that's somebody who took one pill too many.
Anyway, here are the latest measurements:
Original length: 5.875 inches
Original width: 4.125 inches
Current length: 6.0 inches
Current width: 5.25 inches
Length increase: 2%
Width increase: 27%
Sweet Mother of God! I am not shrinking -- in fact, I'm growing ever wider. I'm like a turnip, or an overgrown radish. I always thought the phrase "pink torpedo" was just a euphemism, not a literal description of the shape.
So as not to gross you out with even more pictures of penises, I thought I'd make a scale replica of my own out of the kielbasa that I used in my last update -- only this time, in order to illustrate my added girth, I wrapped several slices of bacon around the sausage:
I think you'll agree, it's still more attractive than those other pictures above. And you can throw it on the grill, which is a bonus.
Well, I did it. I finished the bottle. For the past 60 days, I've been taking the "Magna-RX" penis pills, which promised to not only add inches to my manhood, but to make me a better lover -- something my wife has been trying to do for years, without much success.
I went into this experiment a disbeliever. I thought I would see absolutely no difference whatsoever, but I have to say that the penis pills really do work, though the results are not nearly as dramatic as they claim. The penis pills put me in a constant state of semi-arousal, though, and let's face it: if you're the kind of guy who's taking penis pills, you probably don't need any help getting sexed up. I've been hornier than John Philip Sousa.
So without any further ado, the final measurements:
Original length: 5.875 inches
Original width: 4.125 inches
Current length: 6.0 inches
Current width: 5.25 inches
Length increase: 2%
Width increase: 27%
And displayed as a bar chart:
Now, I would have been happy with those results. My wife seemed to be happy. There was only one problem. The ad promised me that I would gain "2, 3, or 5 inches -- guaranteed!" I gained less than a quarter-inch in length and just over an inch in width -- far short of the 2-inch minimum I was promised.
So I called their sales line, which was the only phone number listed on their Web site. I spoke with an Indian woman, who was rather difficult to understand ... and, as it turns out, rather difficult to deal with.
Bitch hung up on me! Undeterred, I called back. Apparently she had Caller ID, because as soon as my line connected, she hung up again. I called a few more times, and she hung up each time without saying a word.
So I had to wait a few minutes, then call her from my cellphone. This tricked her into picking up.
This was great! I felt like Lesley Stahl on 60 Minutes! Only with a larger penis! I tried calling back a few more times, but now that she had both my numbers, she hung up immediately.
So I had to wait until the next morning at 5:30 am to call back (2:30 am West Coast time, where they're located). I got the same Indian woman, though she sounded a lot more sleepy.
I decided to cut to the chase and ask to speak with Dr. Jorge Aguilar, MD, the "genius" behind Magna-RX.
Apparently, Magna-RX isn't making me more popular with the ladies. That's another thing they were wrong about.
I did visit the Web site, only to find out that you have to return the unused portion within 30 days to receive your refund. But you're supposed to take the pills for 60 days to see if it works, that seems a little strange, but maybe they figure that guys with small penises have time machines.
So thus ends my experiment. Looking in the mirror nowadays, I often quote the final scene of Boogie Nights. "I am a star," I say, looking at my extra tenth of an inch. "I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star."
I went into this experiment a disbeliever. I thought I would see absolutely no difference whatsoever, but I have to say that the penis pills really do work, though the results are not nearly as dramatic as they claim. The penis pills put me in a constant state of semi-arousal, though, and let's face it: if you're the kind of guy who's taking penis pills, you probably don't need any help getting sexed up. I've been hornier than John Philip Sousa.
So without any further ado, the final measurements:
Original length: 5.875 inches
Original width: 4.125 inches
Current length: 6.0 inches
Current width: 5.25 inches
Length increase: 2%
Width increase: 27%
And displayed as a bar chart:
Now, I would have been happy with those results. My wife seemed to be happy. There was only one problem. The ad promised me that I would gain "2, 3, or 5 inches -- guaranteed!" I gained less than a quarter-inch in length and just over an inch in width -- far short of the 2-inch minimum I was promised.
So I called their sales line, which was the only phone number listed on their Web site. I spoke with an Indian woman, who was rather difficult to understand ... and, as it turns out, rather difficult to deal with.
HAYDEN MEDICAL: Thank you for calling Hayden Medical. How may I help you?
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I ordered some of your Magna-RX penis pills a few months ago, and the ad said that I would gain 2, 3, or 5 inches guaranteed. I didn't gain that many inches.
HM: OK, for customer service, you need to e-mail or fax a letter back to the company so you can get a refund.
JH: I only gained ... hang on, I made a spreadsheet. One second. [Pause] OK, here it is. I gained .125 inches in length and 1.125 inches in width.
HM: You'll need to go on the Web site, or send a fax or e-mail for any questions. This is just a line for taking orders by credit card.
JH: Maybe instead of saying 2, 3, or 5 inches, you guys should say 2, 3, or 5 centimeters. Maybe you just need to go metric.
HM:OK, you need to contact customer service directly. [Hang up]
Bitch hung up on me! Undeterred, I called back. Apparently she had Caller ID, because as soon as my line connected, she hung up again. I called a few more times, and she hung up each time without saying a word.
So I had to wait a few minutes, then call her from my cellphone. This tricked her into picking up.
HM: Thank you for calling Hayden Medical. May I help you?
JH: Sorry, I think we got disconnected. My phone cord is loose.
HM: I told you already, you have to send a fax or e-mail for a refund.
JH: Right. I just think you guys should take down some of these claims on your web site. Like, "You'll achieve rock hard erections." Not true. I am often flaccid, like linguini.
HM: You have to visit the Web site...
JH: "You'll experience explosive orgasms." This is false also. My partner and I have both had somewhat humdrum orgasms.
HM: OK, you need to visit the Web site so you can send an e-mail or a fax. We only take credit card orders on this number.
JH: But you must be able to answer some questions for me, right?
HM: I can't answer any questions. I don't have any information.
JH: You're selling a medical product and you can't answer questions about it?
HM: [Hang up]
This was great! I felt like Lesley Stahl on 60 Minutes! Only with a larger penis! I tried calling back a few more times, but now that she had both my numbers, she hung up immediately.
So I had to wait until the next morning at 5:30 am to call back (2:30 am West Coast time, where they're located). I got the same Indian woman, though she sounded a lot more sleepy.I decided to cut to the chase and ask to speak with Dr. Jorge Aguilar, MD, the "genius" behind Magna-RX.
HM: Hayden Medical, may I help you?
JH: Could I speak with Dr. Aguilar?
HM: He's not here right now. This is the answering service, just to take credit card orders. For any questions, you'll need to send in an e-mail or fax.
JH: But it's kind of an emergency. My penis is bleeding.
HM: [Brief chuckle, or maybe a gasp] I cannot answer any questions.
JH: Can you tell me when Dr. Aguilar will be back?
HM: He's not here. This is just the office where we take credit cards.
JH: Is it normal for me to be bleeding through my penis?
HM: We don't have any information.
JH: Now, I did all the stretching exercises you recommended, but maybe I didn't do them right. Maybe I was pulling too hard.
HM: I don't know.
JH: Is there a number where I can reach Dr. Aguilar? Does he have a beeper?
HM: You can call your own doctor, sir.
JH: But I was expecting Dr. Aguilar to help me with any medical problems with taking his product.
HM: We only take credit card orders on this line.
JH: Tell you what. Why don't you give me Dr. Aguilar's cellphone number.
HM: I can't do that.
JH: Is he out playing golf?
HM: I can get you the fax number, or you can send e-mail on the Web site.
JH: Just one more thing. I noticed one other side effect, which is that my penis has started to talk.
HM: [Ignoring me] Let me give you the fax number.
JH: It started out just kind of grunting, you know, like a caveman. Unh unh. But then it gradually got more refined.
HM: The number is 480-947...
JH: Now it reads Goethe to me.
HM: ...4466.
JH: Sometimes it tells me to kill the President, but mostly it just reads great literature.
HM: Fax that number for a refund.
JH: Here, let me put the phone down my pants, and you can hear.
HM: Goodbye. [Hang up]
Apparently, Magna-RX isn't making me more popular with the ladies. That's another thing they were wrong about.
I did visit the Web site, only to find out that you have to return the unused portion within 30 days to receive your refund. But you're supposed to take the pills for 60 days to see if it works, that seems a little strange, but maybe they figure that guys with small penises have time machines.
So thus ends my experiment. Looking in the mirror nowadays, I often quote the final scene of Boogie Nights. "I am a star," I say, looking at my extra tenth of an inch. "I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star."
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